Monday, May 28, 2007

Weighing In

These past two weeks I've been slowly drifting off the weight loss trail, and my flab has decided to latch on to my bones like a pitbull on a dogcatcher's tit. Thus far I've dropped over 40lbs, and have leveled out. I think this first plateau is going to be tougher to get through than a high school gym class, and those fat cells are going to mock me every step of the way. 60 more to go to reach my goal and at least i'm still on target.

Wife had become very ill, as you know if you've been keeping up with previous blogs. We've been strong, but food for comfort has been stronger. Now that she's gone through the surgery successfully, ice cream, pizza and burgers will hopefully not be so persistent in trying to console me. In fact, maybe they'll just start sending me email so i don't feel so obligated to reply, or guilty when i don't.

My cardio has slowed down. Tomorrow i'm riding in to work so hopefully that will jump start my motivation again. I've been pushing the weights hard, and can see the results. Not only can I deadlift a Buick, it actually looks like i can too. But the flab jabs me in the head every time i take a look in the mirror. If it werent concentrated around my waist like an infalatable swimming tube, i don't think that I'd be so troubled. I will retaliate, flab!

The weirdest part, is how much this stall has affected my psyche. I mean, every week I had successfully lost at least two pounds. The only other definite way to lose so many pounds is to bet on the U.S.A. to win the World Cup. (Italicised to emphasize the horrific pun).

Now I step on the scale in the morning, dreading to see if two more ounces are going to creep up on me. I wonder if I can cheat by trimming my nails, both toe and finger... maybe shave? Have i shit enough, do i still need to go? I wonder how much dirt is on me; can i drop a half-ounce by showering? What if i (ahem) spooge some knuckle babies? As long as i'm not sticking my digits down my gullet to yack up the fat attack, i'm still in a healthy zone. I'd actually cave and cut out carbs Atkin's-style before doing that crap to my body. And we all know I think Atkin's is an advocate of malnutition with his system.

On the upside, the size and shape of my torso is noticeable. I've gone from a "pear" shape, to something resembling an intimidating eggplant, with less purple and more hair. What i find really sexy, (and both my wife and i hope i don't start masturbating to my reflection while posing), is the peak of my bicep that is now inching it's way into view from the outside of my arm, like the crown of a climbing teeneager peeping into the hot neighbors second story window.

I think some pushups are calling me. Maybe a glass of Crystal Light. In either case, tomorrow the road trembles under my pedal power.


David Blume said...

Groaning at the horrific pun...

Audra said...

Good on ya, mate.

Don't forget, that muscle cells are considerably more dense, and thus weigh more than do fat cells, which are blobby and vacuous. With the weight lifting and cardio regimen, you will be transferred fat mass to muscle mass, which can oddly enough, increase your overall weight, even though you are slimming down.

The ultimate goal is health and well being, so guard your psyche against any trash talk. Cut yourself a little slack for your lapses, but firm your resolve. Revel in (and, by all means, masturbate to) the new found lines and curves of your body. Enjoy your body in every way possible - it is the vessel of your true self - and much better than a Buick.

And, know - you are very high on my list of the world's most beautiful people!

Eddie said...

Yay! I'm purdy!